Exclusivity kills the gospel

If you’re a parent of students in middle school then you can relate to the man that just left my office. He came through my door burdened and upset because of something that was happening with his 12-year-old daughter at church. This man has a story that would blow you away. Once chained down by addiction and anger but now free to obey the gospel of love and grace. He didn't look like your typical church goer. He was covered in tattoos, piercings, and sporting a “TAPOUT” shirt. Honestly, I get more uncomfortable around guys dressed in suits and ties so I felt at home with him.

He was upset because his daughter told him that other students bully her on Sunday morning. One recent incident was that she tried to sit next to some girls and they told her she couldn’t sit with them because they were saving that seat for someone else. So she got up and as time passed by no one else came to sit in the empty seat that she was sitting in.

She begs her dad to go to the main church gathering with him so she doesn’t have to go to our middle school gathering. She even used the word hate when she described her feelings toward our ministry. This father was broken hearted because his daughter hates the church that he loves so much. Our community is the community that God resourced to help shape him into a new man. What parent wouldn’t want that same thing for their daughter?

I’m the middle school director at my church and I talk with parents on a regular basis about the challenges that come with raising tweens. Parenting a middle school student can be very difficult. Most of the time parents just need to be encouraged and reminded of the changes that take place during the middle school years. I really enjoy my job and I get to have a lot of fun with my students. Along with the high energy and crazy amounts of fun comes an extreme amount of responsibility. It’s crucial that I work hard at creating a safe environment for these students to grow in their relationship with Jesus.

Here are some tips to help students who feel excluded from your ministry.

Make a personal connection

If I can make a personal connection with a student and let them know I value our relationship the student is more likely to stick around. It also shows the other students that are watching that this specific student is valuable to me. Most students don’t ignore each other on purpose they just get uncomfortable around people they don’t know. When they see me connect with this student it will seem much less intimidating for them to connect without me around.

Encourage a peer connection

When we can connect students to other students in a way that builds a friendship then we have just braved one of the biggest battles in middle school ministry. Most students have established their friend group as a safety net or they have very few to no friends. Creating an environment in which peers can connect with new students on a regular basis and feel safe enough to not be judged by their regular friend group is a huge win in middle school ministry. Exclusivity will prevent the gospel from being experienced in our ministries. The more inclusive our students can be the better.

Cast the vision to your students and leaders

Always keep the mission in front of the students and leaders. Live it, breath it, plant the seeds and keep watering them, because the vision will fade if you don’t. The more you model it for your team and your students the more they will buy into it. One thing that no one can ever argue with is results. Do you believe that the vision you preach is important? Then prove it. Do you believe it will bring results? Then let the results speak to them. Be the change that you wish to see. If people aren't telling you that you talk about it too much then you don't talk about it enough.

Parents: It’s OK to give them time away

This particular student wanted to attend the main gathering with her father. Sometimes students just need time to process and be in a place where they feel safe. It’s not with us right now but the reality is that a loving parent is always the best spiritual leader for a student. This is an awesome opportunity for the parents to connect with their students and show them they’re not uncomfortable spending time together in an adult setting. The best youth pastors in the world can’t out impact a parent.  Regardless if they want to go to church or not we should be firm with what we think is best and give them time to process things.

What’s Different About Middle School?

I found this on a website for PBS kids. If you work with Tweens then this may be a helpful resource. I added the section in italics. 

What’s Different About Middle School?

At first, middle school may seem like a mysterious place full of strangers and surprises. Here are some of the most common changes you'll be facing:

More Work!

Teachers in middle school often view their students as young adults. This means that your assignments and tests will be more challenging. In addition to your nightly dose of homework, you may also have papers and exams for the first time. The workload may seem overwhelming, but your teachers will most likely understand that you and your classmates are making an adjustment. If you feel that they don't understand this and you're having trouble with the amount of work expected of you, make sure you bring it up with a parent or school counselor.

Making Friends

You will have plenty of opportunities to make new friends in middle school. In elementary school you might have had the same friends for as long as you could remember but in middle school you will have a chance to interact with more students. Making new friends may not be as easy as it sounds so here are some tips to help you along the way.

1.   Trust God. You may face pressure to find a group of friends early. Be careful not to rush into it. Don’t let those anxious feelings force you to try and impress kids for the wrong reasons. Let God show you which kids would make really good friends before you start hanging out with them. Make middle school about having the best friends not the most friends.

2.   Be you! You don’t need to pretend to be like anyone else. At times you may think being yourself isn’t good enough to make friends but that's not true. If you don’t know exactly who you are yet that’s OK. Even though they may not say it out loud other students are going through the same thing as you.

3.   Don’t Get Discouraged. Sometimes it’s hard to make friends because everyone is different in middle school. If you start to feel lonely or depressed don’t be afraid to get help. Talk to your parents, a teacher, guidance counselor, or an adult you trust about how you feel.

4.   Bully Prevention. Bullying is a serious issue. If you’re being bullied or you see it happen to someone else let a teacher or an adult know immediately. Unfortunately, middle school comes with bullies so please help prevent this by keeping the adults aware.  

The A-B-C's


Back in elementary school, your teachers may have graded you with marks like "check plus," "excellent," or a number scale. Now that you're in middle school, chances are that you'll be graded with the letter system: A, B, C, D, or F. There are also in-between grades like "A-", "C+," etc. This system may feel more competitive, and you might find yourself and your classmates comparing grades. Remember that your grades are your own business, and if sharing them makes it seem like you're in some kind of contest with other students, or generally makes you feel bad about how you're doing, keep them to yourself. Also, remember to talk to your teacher, parent, or school counselor if you feel you're being graded unfairly.

The Big Lock-Up


Most likely, the hallways of your middle school are lined with lockers, and one of them will be your very own "home base" during the day. Instead of lugging your stuff around in one bag, or stashing it in a classroom desk or cubby, you now have a place to store everything safely. The best part about your locker: being able to decorate it with photos, drawings, magazine clippings, and anything else that makes it feel like you. The worst part? Sometimes, students end up with a locker next to somebody who picks on them. Most schools will let you switch lockers if this, or anything else about your locker location, gets to be a problem.

Library Heaven!

Chances are, your middle school library is bigger and better than the one at your old school. Many middle school libraries have more than just books -- they might also have computers, video stations, and other forms of media to help you learn. They're great locations for doing homework, studying for tests, and gathering research for papers.

On Schedule


A different class, in a different room, every hour? Different classes on different days? Yikes! No doubt about it: the middle school "class schedule" can seem pretty hairy at first. You'll probably have it down in no time, but new buildings and new routines are confusing for everyone. If you have trouble finding something, or keeping track of where you have to be, speak up! Your teachers, counselors, and other school staff are there to help.

Bye Bye Recess


In elementary school, recess was probably your favorite part of the day, right? So how will you survive without it? You'll most likely have a lunch period, "study hall," or "nutrition period" to relax or work on some class assignments with friends.

Extra-Curriculars


Here's one of the best parts about middle school: the chance to get involved in after-school sports, clubs, and activities. From football to field hockey, from drama club to school yearbook, these "extra-curriculars" are a great way to make friends, explore new interests, and, of course, have lots of fun.

Let me know what you think and feel free to keep adding. It would be cool if we could put our heads together to educate Tweens on the mystery of middle school before they arrive. 

Here is the reference if you want to check it out.

http://pbskids.org/itsmylife
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