Exclusivity kills the gospel

If you’re a parent of students in middle school then you can relate to the man that just left my office. He came through my door burdened and upset because of something that was happening with his 12-year-old daughter at church. This man has a story that would blow you away. Once chained down by addiction and anger but now free to obey the gospel of love and grace. He didn't look like your typical church goer. He was covered in tattoos, piercings, and sporting a “TAPOUT” shirt. Honestly, I get more uncomfortable around guys dressed in suits and ties so I felt at home with him.

He was upset because his daughter told him that other students bully her on Sunday morning. One recent incident was that she tried to sit next to some girls and they told her she couldn’t sit with them because they were saving that seat for someone else. So she got up and as time passed by no one else came to sit in the empty seat that she was sitting in.

She begs her dad to go to the main church gathering with him so she doesn’t have to go to our middle school gathering. She even used the word hate when she described her feelings toward our ministry. This father was broken hearted because his daughter hates the church that he loves so much. Our community is the community that God resourced to help shape him into a new man. What parent wouldn’t want that same thing for their daughter?

I’m the middle school director at my church and I talk with parents on a regular basis about the challenges that come with raising tweens. Parenting a middle school student can be very difficult. Most of the time parents just need to be encouraged and reminded of the changes that take place during the middle school years. I really enjoy my job and I get to have a lot of fun with my students. Along with the high energy and crazy amounts of fun comes an extreme amount of responsibility. It’s crucial that I work hard at creating a safe environment for these students to grow in their relationship with Jesus.

Here are some tips to help students who feel excluded from your ministry.

Make a personal connection

If I can make a personal connection with a student and let them know I value our relationship the student is more likely to stick around. It also shows the other students that are watching that this specific student is valuable to me. Most students don’t ignore each other on purpose they just get uncomfortable around people they don’t know. When they see me connect with this student it will seem much less intimidating for them to connect without me around.

Encourage a peer connection

When we can connect students to other students in a way that builds a friendship then we have just braved one of the biggest battles in middle school ministry. Most students have established their friend group as a safety net or they have very few to no friends. Creating an environment in which peers can connect with new students on a regular basis and feel safe enough to not be judged by their regular friend group is a huge win in middle school ministry. Exclusivity will prevent the gospel from being experienced in our ministries. The more inclusive our students can be the better.

Cast the vision to your students and leaders

Always keep the mission in front of the students and leaders. Live it, breath it, plant the seeds and keep watering them, because the vision will fade if you don’t. The more you model it for your team and your students the more they will buy into it. One thing that no one can ever argue with is results. Do you believe that the vision you preach is important? Then prove it. Do you believe it will bring results? Then let the results speak to them. Be the change that you wish to see. If people aren't telling you that you talk about it too much then you don't talk about it enough.

Parents: It’s OK to give them time away

This particular student wanted to attend the main gathering with her father. Sometimes students just need time to process and be in a place where they feel safe. It’s not with us right now but the reality is that a loving parent is always the best spiritual leader for a student. This is an awesome opportunity for the parents to connect with their students and show them they’re not uncomfortable spending time together in an adult setting. The best youth pastors in the world can’t out impact a parent.  Regardless if they want to go to church or not we should be firm with what we think is best and give them time to process things.

My last message

Tonight I gave my last message as the middle school director for BranchCreek Community Church. Preparing for this message was easy because I had so much I wanted to say. Let me rephrase that, so much still needed to be said.

I now realize that those lessons will no longer be shared by me. I knew this was coming. Isn't this what it should feel like?I thought to myself "but I'm not done." I will never be done. Sharing the truth about Jesus with middle schoolers has become an absolute joy for me. I have repeated the statement "I can't see myself doing anything else" so many times in the last year because I mean it. No matter where I am I will be sharing the good news of Jesus with middle school students.

I have never thought of myself as a great teacher and I still don't. I mean, I really don't. Because I'm not one. So to my surprise, my small group leaders, who have been listening to me teach for the past year and a half, tell me that they are really going to miss my teaching. They said that I really bring the message in a way that helps them talk about the "BIG IDEA" in small groups. 

I really appreciated the flattering comments but I had to assure them that my teaching skills had nothing to do with it. All I do is relay His message through how he changes my life, step by step, everyday. I assured them that whoever comes after me will be different and probably better than me. As long as he brings the good news with him. His good news is all that matters and if I leave my leaders and students with my messages and not His message I have failed as a teacher.

Don't get me wrong I think teaching is extremely important and I work hard at getting better. As should everyone in anything they do in life. But what really keeps the students engaged in the "BIG IDEA" of a lesson is that adults are investing the time to talk to them about it. In my eyes, small group leaders will always be the most important piece to student ministry. The words I share don't mean anything until my small group leaders breath life into them by the way they care for their students.

A direct quote from Barb Malanga (7th grade girls small group leader) "I don't give up my Tuesday night to just talk about nail colors and hair. I give up my Tuesday night to share the love of Jesus with my girls. I love them that much."

I was blessed with some amazing small group leaders this year and I have full confidence that Jesus will do greater things through them when I go.

Moved with compassion

This morning at church an 8^th grade girl came up to me while I was playing a game of pool. She asked me if I could talk to her when I had a chance. I took that very seriously because in the middle school world they never ask. They just talk. At least after they warm up to you. Parents would be embarrassed if they knew what their tweens have disclosed to me in random conversations. But this student asked first. This was her way of telling me that she has something very important to discuss. I got the vibe that she didn’t want to make it seem obvious to the other students. So I finished my game of pool and I went directly downstairs to her usual hangout spot in the computer room.

I pulled up a chair next to “Tanya” (not her real name) and she started to tell me about a friend of hers. Her friend always gets harassed at school for being overweight. Other kids call her names and draw mean pictures of her on the inside of their textbooks. She told me that her friend would cry when they would talk about it. Tanya had this look in her eye like she was about to tear up just telling me about it. So then came a question youth pastors dream about hearing a student ask. She asked me what Jesus wanted her to do to help her friend understand how much He loves her. WOW, now that’s a major win in middle school ministry. I had been rehearsing this conversation for years. While prepping for messages, during small groups, and while planning for every service project my hope is that students would start to ask this question “What does Jesus want me to do about this”. So let me share how I navigated this conversation with Tanya and hopefully when you are having these types of conversations this will come in handy. 

Affirmation is key. Students at this age are just starting to take compassion to the next level. Most of the time compassion is experienced but it’s never lead to action. All parents and youth workers need to start identifying these moments in our student’s lives. It actually starts earlier than middle school but we have a hard time noticing because they can’t articulate it that well at all. Compassion is shrugged off to an extent. Sometimes kids cry because of compassion and we don’t even know it because we are not tuned in to their hearts enough. During the middle school years you can really tell who has been encouraged to be compassionate and who has been conditioned to think it’s weak. So the first thing I did was affirm her compassionate heart as something Jesus is very, very, pleased with. It may make her sad, just like it does me, but it’s a very good thing to feel for those in pain. Always affirm your students and identify the Spirit’s work in their lives no matter how big or small.

Celebrate. After I told her how she felt was normal and good I said thank you. I told her the truth. Most students Tanya’s age don’t understand compassion because it makes them sad and they think that’s weak. Remind students that compassion is essential for following Jesus. I thanked her for being brave enough to ask me what Jesus wants her to do.

The challenge to follow Jesus. These conversations are cool because students actually care about what you’re going to tell them. Always challenge them to keep working out what Jesus has put on their hearts. For example, I shared a few different ways Tanya could respond to her friend. I also shared some information on “verbal bullying” which students, and unfortunately teachers, tend to look over in school because it appears that nobody is really getting hurt. I crushed that lie as soon as I could. Always challenge them to keep following Jesus, whatever the cost, because it's the only way to really meet the deepest needs of those around us. 

No jargon please. At this point in the conversation you have to trust the Holy Spirit to give you the right words to say. Make sure you give them advice they can put into practice and not youth pastor jargon. "Pray about it" is probably only valid 25% of the time we use it. Put your 20-40 hours a week of prayer, study, planning, training, and understanding teens to good use. Ok, so I know we can’t realistically put ALL of our time there but you know what I mean.

Anyway, I love watching these God moments unfold before my eyes. I hope this is helpful to you and that you enjoyed reading my blog. Please help me by continuing the conversation on middle school ministry by leaving comments below. Thanks!

God, thank you for puppies

I was just thinking about my job as a middle school youth pastor and how thankful I am for it. I wrote this last Thanksgiving. I’m not sure why I didn’t put it on my blog but here you go.

We recently did an exercise in our Middle School ministry called stations of thankfulness. Students were asked to stop at three different stations set up around our youth auditorium. One was a table covered with scrabble pieces that they were asked to construct a word that represented what they were most thankful for in life. This was cool because they would connect their words to other words that their peers made. The second station was a wall covered with mirrors. The students were asked to look at the mirror and instead of picking something that is on the outside to be thankful for they were challenged to give thanks for something involving their character. Then they would get to use their artistic genes and write it, or draw a representation of it, on a mirror using dry erase markers. The last station was a simple set up of chicken wire with a 2x4 attached at each end. The students are asked to write down something that they are thankful for on a post it note or small piece of paper. Then they thank God, fold it up and place it in one of the holes in the chicken wire.

Middle School students are very simple minded, most of the time. Some of the responses I received were innocent and naive. For example: “My Kitten” “My XBOX 360” and “Facebook” were all represented multiple times. More than anything else they wrote down the names of their friends. No surprise there. But as I was taking down some of the notes from the Chicken Wire wall I read one that took me by surprise. It read “I am thankful for my successful surgeries”. These notes were very deep and moving. Our Middle School students have really blown me away over the past four months.

Middle School ministry is often overlooked as a true disciple-making ministry. Because of where they are in adolescent development, their inward focused mind is being challenged to think outside of the “Me Monster”. How often do we get from step 1 to step 5 in life by jumping over steps 2-4? In life, and to be more specific, in biology things don’t work that way.

So while my students are thankful for friends, family, a house, food, water, xbox, and puppies. I am thankful for middle school ministry and the opportunity I get to see them grow. 

What’s Different About Middle School?

I found this on a website for PBS kids. If you work with Tweens then this may be a helpful resource. I added the section in italics. 

What’s Different About Middle School?

At first, middle school may seem like a mysterious place full of strangers and surprises. Here are some of the most common changes you'll be facing:

More Work!

Teachers in middle school often view their students as young adults. This means that your assignments and tests will be more challenging. In addition to your nightly dose of homework, you may also have papers and exams for the first time. The workload may seem overwhelming, but your teachers will most likely understand that you and your classmates are making an adjustment. If you feel that they don't understand this and you're having trouble with the amount of work expected of you, make sure you bring it up with a parent or school counselor.

Making Friends

You will have plenty of opportunities to make new friends in middle school. In elementary school you might have had the same friends for as long as you could remember but in middle school you will have a chance to interact with more students. Making new friends may not be as easy as it sounds so here are some tips to help you along the way.

1.   Trust God. You may face pressure to find a group of friends early. Be careful not to rush into it. Don’t let those anxious feelings force you to try and impress kids for the wrong reasons. Let God show you which kids would make really good friends before you start hanging out with them. Make middle school about having the best friends not the most friends.

2.   Be you! You don’t need to pretend to be like anyone else. At times you may think being yourself isn’t good enough to make friends but that's not true. If you don’t know exactly who you are yet that’s OK. Even though they may not say it out loud other students are going through the same thing as you.

3.   Don’t Get Discouraged. Sometimes it’s hard to make friends because everyone is different in middle school. If you start to feel lonely or depressed don’t be afraid to get help. Talk to your parents, a teacher, guidance counselor, or an adult you trust about how you feel.

4.   Bully Prevention. Bullying is a serious issue. If you’re being bullied or you see it happen to someone else let a teacher or an adult know immediately. Unfortunately, middle school comes with bullies so please help prevent this by keeping the adults aware.  

The A-B-C's


Back in elementary school, your teachers may have graded you with marks like "check plus," "excellent," or a number scale. Now that you're in middle school, chances are that you'll be graded with the letter system: A, B, C, D, or F. There are also in-between grades like "A-", "C+," etc. This system may feel more competitive, and you might find yourself and your classmates comparing grades. Remember that your grades are your own business, and if sharing them makes it seem like you're in some kind of contest with other students, or generally makes you feel bad about how you're doing, keep them to yourself. Also, remember to talk to your teacher, parent, or school counselor if you feel you're being graded unfairly.

The Big Lock-Up


Most likely, the hallways of your middle school are lined with lockers, and one of them will be your very own "home base" during the day. Instead of lugging your stuff around in one bag, or stashing it in a classroom desk or cubby, you now have a place to store everything safely. The best part about your locker: being able to decorate it with photos, drawings, magazine clippings, and anything else that makes it feel like you. The worst part? Sometimes, students end up with a locker next to somebody who picks on them. Most schools will let you switch lockers if this, or anything else about your locker location, gets to be a problem.

Library Heaven!

Chances are, your middle school library is bigger and better than the one at your old school. Many middle school libraries have more than just books -- they might also have computers, video stations, and other forms of media to help you learn. They're great locations for doing homework, studying for tests, and gathering research for papers.

On Schedule


A different class, in a different room, every hour? Different classes on different days? Yikes! No doubt about it: the middle school "class schedule" can seem pretty hairy at first. You'll probably have it down in no time, but new buildings and new routines are confusing for everyone. If you have trouble finding something, or keeping track of where you have to be, speak up! Your teachers, counselors, and other school staff are there to help.

Bye Bye Recess


In elementary school, recess was probably your favorite part of the day, right? So how will you survive without it? You'll most likely have a lunch period, "study hall," or "nutrition period" to relax or work on some class assignments with friends.

Extra-Curriculars


Here's one of the best parts about middle school: the chance to get involved in after-school sports, clubs, and activities. From football to field hockey, from drama club to school yearbook, these "extra-curriculars" are a great way to make friends, explore new interests, and, of course, have lots of fun.

Let me know what you think and feel free to keep adding. It would be cool if we could put our heads together to educate Tweens on the mystery of middle school before they arrive. 

Here is the reference if you want to check it out.

http://pbskids.org/itsmylife
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I'm not a Christian but I love coming.

I'm a Middle School Youth Pastor. During one of my lessons last Spring I shared a story about a student in a youth ministry I used to lead. He was outspoken about not following Jesus. He would continue to come out to youth group and listen to me talk about God despite his strong conviction that he wasn’t a Christian. There was nothing extremely special about this story but it got the point across that night.

As I finished my lesson and the kids started to disperse to their small groups a 6th grade girl came up to me with watery eyes.

Without taking a breath she said, “IreallylikeyourstoryaboutChrisbecauseI’mnotaChristian, andmyfamilyisnotChristian, butIlovecominghere.” (exhale)

For a few moments we just looked at each other smiling. In that moment my heart was full. This is the type of environment we strive so hard to create for our Middle School students. I told her that I love having her come out and encouraged her to talk to her small group leader about what it means to be a Christian.

As she skipped away to meet up with her small group I thought to myself “Everything I have ever done in the name of Jesus is all worth it for that one student”. May you, as youth workers, be encouraged by the desire that Jesus gives us to love and serve these students.

Take off your shoes and worship with hearts full of joy, you are standing on Holy ground.

Gee wiz, where is your head at boy!?

On Sunday morning, as I was walking around our youth building, I walked by the main entrance and noticed a student standing in a corner just outside of our doors. It looked like he was crying by the way he was covering his face. Before I could make it outside to see if he was OK he started to run away. I noticed his mother was headed my way. Even though he continued to run off in the distance his mother didn't seem concerned. She started to explain that he was upset because of his haircut. He was embarrassed and he didn’t want any of his friends to see him. I could completely understand why he was upset. This was a student that had the type of hair that just looks like it belongs over his eyes. His mother continued to tell me with a little hesitation in her voice... "it was my idea". She said she was worried that he would look like a hoodlum with long hair. “I don’t want people to get the wrong impression about who he is” she exclaimed.

I was holding back laughter because I could still see her son in the distance behind her. He was running around the church campus like a chicken with his head cut off. He had no clue where he was going. He just wanted to run. First he ran out to the side of the parking lot along the main road. Then he started to run up towards the main church building, which was about 200 yards away from the Student Center. I could tell he was upset by the amount of locked doors around the church he tried to rip open, only to get disappointed when the doors didn't budge. He must have tried 3 sets of doors before he found an open one. 

According to Erik Erickson’s Psychosocial Development Theory during adolescence the “Ego Crisis” consist of “Identity vs. Role Confusion”. It could be a haircut, a type of music, or a way of dressing. Middle School students will want to make decisions on their own about their identity. This could mean a specific hair style. We should probably be letting them make decisions on their own. We don't have to give up our role of protecting them. We definitely shouldn't stop teaching them what it means to follow Jesus. My advice for this parent would be to start letting go of the decision making process.

After his mother left I was reminded of some facts that will never change about my job. Students will never stop running around like chickens with their heads cut off. We shouldn't be trying to figure out what we can do to prevent this. Maybe we should try to figure out how to help them find their heads during these crazy years of their lives. Middle school is a crazy time that will eventually end. If you can learn to navigate these years well your students will be fine.