Exclusivity kills the gospel

If you’re a parent of students in middle school then you can relate to the man that just left my office. He came through my door burdened and upset because of something that was happening with his 12-year-old daughter at church. This man has a story that would blow you away. Once chained down by addiction and anger but now free to obey the gospel of love and grace. He didn't look like your typical church goer. He was covered in tattoos, piercings, and sporting a “TAPOUT” shirt. Honestly, I get more uncomfortable around guys dressed in suits and ties so I felt at home with him.

He was upset because his daughter told him that other students bully her on Sunday morning. One recent incident was that she tried to sit next to some girls and they told her she couldn’t sit with them because they were saving that seat for someone else. So she got up and as time passed by no one else came to sit in the empty seat that she was sitting in.

She begs her dad to go to the main church gathering with him so she doesn’t have to go to our middle school gathering. She even used the word hate when she described her feelings toward our ministry. This father was broken hearted because his daughter hates the church that he loves so much. Our community is the community that God resourced to help shape him into a new man. What parent wouldn’t want that same thing for their daughter?

I’m the middle school director at my church and I talk with parents on a regular basis about the challenges that come with raising tweens. Parenting a middle school student can be very difficult. Most of the time parents just need to be encouraged and reminded of the changes that take place during the middle school years. I really enjoy my job and I get to have a lot of fun with my students. Along with the high energy and crazy amounts of fun comes an extreme amount of responsibility. It’s crucial that I work hard at creating a safe environment for these students to grow in their relationship with Jesus.

Here are some tips to help students who feel excluded from your ministry.

Make a personal connection

If I can make a personal connection with a student and let them know I value our relationship the student is more likely to stick around. It also shows the other students that are watching that this specific student is valuable to me. Most students don’t ignore each other on purpose they just get uncomfortable around people they don’t know. When they see me connect with this student it will seem much less intimidating for them to connect without me around.

Encourage a peer connection

When we can connect students to other students in a way that builds a friendship then we have just braved one of the biggest battles in middle school ministry. Most students have established their friend group as a safety net or they have very few to no friends. Creating an environment in which peers can connect with new students on a regular basis and feel safe enough to not be judged by their regular friend group is a huge win in middle school ministry. Exclusivity will prevent the gospel from being experienced in our ministries. The more inclusive our students can be the better.

Cast the vision to your students and leaders

Always keep the mission in front of the students and leaders. Live it, breath it, plant the seeds and keep watering them, because the vision will fade if you don’t. The more you model it for your team and your students the more they will buy into it. One thing that no one can ever argue with is results. Do you believe that the vision you preach is important? Then prove it. Do you believe it will bring results? Then let the results speak to them. Be the change that you wish to see. If people aren't telling you that you talk about it too much then you don't talk about it enough.

Parents: It’s OK to give them time away

This particular student wanted to attend the main gathering with her father. Sometimes students just need time to process and be in a place where they feel safe. It’s not with us right now but the reality is that a loving parent is always the best spiritual leader for a student. This is an awesome opportunity for the parents to connect with their students and show them they’re not uncomfortable spending time together in an adult setting. The best youth pastors in the world can’t out impact a parent.  Regardless if they want to go to church or not we should be firm with what we think is best and give them time to process things.

Moved with compassion

This morning at church an 8^th grade girl came up to me while I was playing a game of pool. She asked me if I could talk to her when I had a chance. I took that very seriously because in the middle school world they never ask. They just talk. At least after they warm up to you. Parents would be embarrassed if they knew what their tweens have disclosed to me in random conversations. But this student asked first. This was her way of telling me that she has something very important to discuss. I got the vibe that she didn’t want to make it seem obvious to the other students. So I finished my game of pool and I went directly downstairs to her usual hangout spot in the computer room.

I pulled up a chair next to “Tanya” (not her real name) and she started to tell me about a friend of hers. Her friend always gets harassed at school for being overweight. Other kids call her names and draw mean pictures of her on the inside of their textbooks. She told me that her friend would cry when they would talk about it. Tanya had this look in her eye like she was about to tear up just telling me about it. So then came a question youth pastors dream about hearing a student ask. She asked me what Jesus wanted her to do to help her friend understand how much He loves her. WOW, now that’s a major win in middle school ministry. I had been rehearsing this conversation for years. While prepping for messages, during small groups, and while planning for every service project my hope is that students would start to ask this question “What does Jesus want me to do about this”. So let me share how I navigated this conversation with Tanya and hopefully when you are having these types of conversations this will come in handy. 

Affirmation is key. Students at this age are just starting to take compassion to the next level. Most of the time compassion is experienced but it’s never lead to action. All parents and youth workers need to start identifying these moments in our student’s lives. It actually starts earlier than middle school but we have a hard time noticing because they can’t articulate it that well at all. Compassion is shrugged off to an extent. Sometimes kids cry because of compassion and we don’t even know it because we are not tuned in to their hearts enough. During the middle school years you can really tell who has been encouraged to be compassionate and who has been conditioned to think it’s weak. So the first thing I did was affirm her compassionate heart as something Jesus is very, very, pleased with. It may make her sad, just like it does me, but it’s a very good thing to feel for those in pain. Always affirm your students and identify the Spirit’s work in their lives no matter how big or small.

Celebrate. After I told her how she felt was normal and good I said thank you. I told her the truth. Most students Tanya’s age don’t understand compassion because it makes them sad and they think that’s weak. Remind students that compassion is essential for following Jesus. I thanked her for being brave enough to ask me what Jesus wants her to do.

The challenge to follow Jesus. These conversations are cool because students actually care about what you’re going to tell them. Always challenge them to keep working out what Jesus has put on their hearts. For example, I shared a few different ways Tanya could respond to her friend. I also shared some information on “verbal bullying” which students, and unfortunately teachers, tend to look over in school because it appears that nobody is really getting hurt. I crushed that lie as soon as I could. Always challenge them to keep following Jesus, whatever the cost, because it's the only way to really meet the deepest needs of those around us. 

No jargon please. At this point in the conversation you have to trust the Holy Spirit to give you the right words to say. Make sure you give them advice they can put into practice and not youth pastor jargon. "Pray about it" is probably only valid 25% of the time we use it. Put your 20-40 hours a week of prayer, study, planning, training, and understanding teens to good use. Ok, so I know we can’t realistically put ALL of our time there but you know what I mean.

Anyway, I love watching these God moments unfold before my eyes. I hope this is helpful to you and that you enjoyed reading my blog. Please help me by continuing the conversation on middle school ministry by leaving comments below. Thanks!

God, thank you for puppies

I was just thinking about my job as a middle school youth pastor and how thankful I am for it. I wrote this last Thanksgiving. I’m not sure why I didn’t put it on my blog but here you go.

We recently did an exercise in our Middle School ministry called stations of thankfulness. Students were asked to stop at three different stations set up around our youth auditorium. One was a table covered with scrabble pieces that they were asked to construct a word that represented what they were most thankful for in life. This was cool because they would connect their words to other words that their peers made. The second station was a wall covered with mirrors. The students were asked to look at the mirror and instead of picking something that is on the outside to be thankful for they were challenged to give thanks for something involving their character. Then they would get to use their artistic genes and write it, or draw a representation of it, on a mirror using dry erase markers. The last station was a simple set up of chicken wire with a 2x4 attached at each end. The students are asked to write down something that they are thankful for on a post it note or small piece of paper. Then they thank God, fold it up and place it in one of the holes in the chicken wire.

Middle School students are very simple minded, most of the time. Some of the responses I received were innocent and naive. For example: “My Kitten” “My XBOX 360” and “Facebook” were all represented multiple times. More than anything else they wrote down the names of their friends. No surprise there. But as I was taking down some of the notes from the Chicken Wire wall I read one that took me by surprise. It read “I am thankful for my successful surgeries”. These notes were very deep and moving. Our Middle School students have really blown me away over the past four months.

Middle School ministry is often overlooked as a true disciple-making ministry. Because of where they are in adolescent development, their inward focused mind is being challenged to think outside of the “Me Monster”. How often do we get from step 1 to step 5 in life by jumping over steps 2-4? In life, and to be more specific, in biology things don’t work that way.

So while my students are thankful for friends, family, a house, food, water, xbox, and puppies. I am thankful for middle school ministry and the opportunity I get to see them grow. 

Interview the church

In the unique situation that some day, no matter how far fetched it may sound, that you feel called to work at a church please take this advice.

During the interview process you must interview the church. I have been in ministry for 4 years and I am learning that doing your homework could pay off huge in the long run. 

MISSION

The first thing you need to have figured out is what God's mission is for you. Well maybe not figured out completely but you need to know the direction you are going in. If the church you work at is not going in the same direction you will never fully be satisfied with your job. You don't have to see eye to eye on every situation but you do have to be focused on the same goal. The reason this is so important is because most churches (and by most I mean all) are different. Believe it or not, regardless of the vision statement that reads "making disciples" they don't all share the same vision. Not all churches are getting it wrong. Tons of churches are actually getting better at this the more I learn about other churches. The unique thing about following Jesus is that there is no formula and 3 step plan to spiritual sccuess. Its all heart! So find the place the aligns with your heart the most. DO NOT OVERLOOK THIS! I have heard about churches going through major heart change but I don't think it was because of the new guy coming in with all the right answers. Be wise and do everything you can to know the heart of the church you are applying at.

Suggestions...

Visit the church without letting anyone on the staff of the church know about it.

Ask around, you may get some crazy answers but make sure you look for any common threads, good or bad.

The website is not the best way to know about the church. Look at it anyway. Take note of the things they share on their website. Especially the vision. This could come in handy when you get to the interview. 

INTERVIEW THE CHURCH

As you do your research make a list of question. This could help you when and if you have an interview. Don't be afraid to ask questions about salary, benefits, family expectations. Believe it or not, most churches in america will hire someone and then their wives don't get to volunteer for ministry but they get volun-told to do ministry. Try to cover all the important details. Don't try to go looking for things that you can complain about. 

ITS ALL ABOUT TRUST

The most important thing is that you trust God. I have never heard any of the amazing mentors that I have tell me that the most fulfilling part of their job is the salary. Don't buy or bail to quickly. Make sure to offer this possible ministry opportunity to God before you sink your teeth into it. If you feel called to venture into ministry, especially if you are going from ministry to ministry, trust like Abraham because your faith will be what God counts as righteousness. Regardless of what you believe about your calling God wants you to trust in his everlasting love. Nothing is more important and nothing is more fulfilling. Be Ok with giving up the things you want in exchange for more trust in God.

    

I'm not a Christian but I love coming.

I'm a Middle School Youth Pastor. During one of my lessons last Spring I shared a story about a student in a youth ministry I used to lead. He was outspoken about not following Jesus. He would continue to come out to youth group and listen to me talk about God despite his strong conviction that he wasn’t a Christian. There was nothing extremely special about this story but it got the point across that night.

As I finished my lesson and the kids started to disperse to their small groups a 6th grade girl came up to me with watery eyes.

Without taking a breath she said, “IreallylikeyourstoryaboutChrisbecauseI’mnotaChristian, andmyfamilyisnotChristian, butIlovecominghere.” (exhale)

For a few moments we just looked at each other smiling. In that moment my heart was full. This is the type of environment we strive so hard to create for our Middle School students. I told her that I love having her come out and encouraged her to talk to her small group leader about what it means to be a Christian.

As she skipped away to meet up with her small group I thought to myself “Everything I have ever done in the name of Jesus is all worth it for that one student”. May you, as youth workers, be encouraged by the desire that Jesus gives us to love and serve these students.

Take off your shoes and worship with hearts full of joy, you are standing on Holy ground.