Good Grief

We are bad at letting grief take its course. The process of grieving can be very uncomfortable. Who wants to feel the pain or face the realities that it brings? Death is probably the one thing that causes this to surface most. Death is a reality that we would love to emotionally avoid but we can’t. It’s easy to rationalize the pain away for most things that go wrong in life but death slaps you in the face when you try to ignore it. Like a bully taunting you to fight he wont back off. You can’t pretend anymore. This post is about the reality of grief and the benefits of its punches.

In Judaism they funeral process is a weeklong mourning period for the close relatives of the deceased. The Hebrew word "shiva" means "seven", and the official shiva period is seven days. On day seven, shiva generally ends in the morning and the community walks the mourners around the block. Those who are grieving would sit on low stools, or even the floor, symbolic of the emotional reality of being "brought low" by the grief.

When visiting someone grieving no greetings are exchanged and visitors wait for the mourners to initiate conversation out of respect. If they don’t talk then the visitors remain silent. Once engaged in conversation by the mourners, it is appropriate for visitors to talk about the deceased, sharing stories of his or her life. Upon leaving the shiva house, visitors recite a traditional phrase: "May Heaven comfort you”.

Have you ever sat shiva with someone you love?

I love my girlfriend so much. I’m not even going to try and explain this because no words could do justice. I’m walking with her through a grieving process right now. Here is a description of our first interaction since finding out that her stepfather passed away.

As I walked in the diner I noticed her eyes were a little red and she looked really tired. I can tell it must have been a rough night for her. Her stepfather just passed away less than 24 hours ago. We had talked over the phone but I knew the first face-to-face interaction would be emotional. We didn’t even look at the menus for more than 20 seconds before both of us looked up at each other. My eyes actually started watering before her eyes. We felt it, both of us. We were grieving together and we didn’t even have to speak a word. As I placed my hand on top of hers I could tell. I knew in my heart that she felt pain, loss, confusion, uncertainty, and exhaustion. I didn’t say anything because there was nothing to say. We sat in silence.  

If you’re like me you want to avoid that awkward feeling like the plague. Something I’m learning through this experience is that you have to let it take its course. Grief will scream at you in the silence but you have to let it. The most comforting thing during grief is to know that you’re not alone. So just sit. If they fall to the ground, fall with them. If they want to talk, listen and be responsive to them. If they just want you around be there. NEVER make sense of their grief through your experience and perspective. Just sit. Let them go through shiva and your presence will comfort their grief.