Exclusivity kills the gospel

If you’re a parent of students in middle school then you can relate to the man that just left my office. He came through my door burdened and upset because of something that was happening with his 12-year-old daughter at church. This man has a story that would blow you away. Once chained down by addiction and anger but now free to obey the gospel of love and grace. He didn't look like your typical church goer. He was covered in tattoos, piercings, and sporting a “TAPOUT” shirt. Honestly, I get more uncomfortable around guys dressed in suits and ties so I felt at home with him.

He was upset because his daughter told him that other students bully her on Sunday morning. One recent incident was that she tried to sit next to some girls and they told her she couldn’t sit with them because they were saving that seat for someone else. So she got up and as time passed by no one else came to sit in the empty seat that she was sitting in.

She begs her dad to go to the main church gathering with him so she doesn’t have to go to our middle school gathering. She even used the word hate when she described her feelings toward our ministry. This father was broken hearted because his daughter hates the church that he loves so much. Our community is the community that God resourced to help shape him into a new man. What parent wouldn’t want that same thing for their daughter?

I’m the middle school director at my church and I talk with parents on a regular basis about the challenges that come with raising tweens. Parenting a middle school student can be very difficult. Most of the time parents just need to be encouraged and reminded of the changes that take place during the middle school years. I really enjoy my job and I get to have a lot of fun with my students. Along with the high energy and crazy amounts of fun comes an extreme amount of responsibility. It’s crucial that I work hard at creating a safe environment for these students to grow in their relationship with Jesus.

Here are some tips to help students who feel excluded from your ministry.

Make a personal connection

If I can make a personal connection with a student and let them know I value our relationship the student is more likely to stick around. It also shows the other students that are watching that this specific student is valuable to me. Most students don’t ignore each other on purpose they just get uncomfortable around people they don’t know. When they see me connect with this student it will seem much less intimidating for them to connect without me around.

Encourage a peer connection

When we can connect students to other students in a way that builds a friendship then we have just braved one of the biggest battles in middle school ministry. Most students have established their friend group as a safety net or they have very few to no friends. Creating an environment in which peers can connect with new students on a regular basis and feel safe enough to not be judged by their regular friend group is a huge win in middle school ministry. Exclusivity will prevent the gospel from being experienced in our ministries. The more inclusive our students can be the better.

Cast the vision to your students and leaders

Always keep the mission in front of the students and leaders. Live it, breath it, plant the seeds and keep watering them, because the vision will fade if you don’t. The more you model it for your team and your students the more they will buy into it. One thing that no one can ever argue with is results. Do you believe that the vision you preach is important? Then prove it. Do you believe it will bring results? Then let the results speak to them. Be the change that you wish to see. If people aren't telling you that you talk about it too much then you don't talk about it enough.

Parents: It’s OK to give them time away

This particular student wanted to attend the main gathering with her father. Sometimes students just need time to process and be in a place where they feel safe. It’s not with us right now but the reality is that a loving parent is always the best spiritual leader for a student. This is an awesome opportunity for the parents to connect with their students and show them they’re not uncomfortable spending time together in an adult setting. The best youth pastors in the world can’t out impact a parent.  Regardless if they want to go to church or not we should be firm with what we think is best and give them time to process things.