As I was driving to work this morning I was thinking about something that's been bothering me for the past few months. I don't want to share what that particular thing is just yet. Regardless of what, it has been heavy on my heart. There are a few things you have to understand before any of this will make sense. This is a conflict between my perspective and the perspective of someone else. I feel like God wants me to do something and this person doesn't think I should do this thing. This person also has authority over me and I want to honor them but it conflicts with something I feel called to do. Trust me, this situation is much more complicated than my last statement but the detailed description will have to wait.
Anyway, back to this morning. As I was thinking about this in my car I started to have conversations with this person in my head. If you have done this before then you know what I'm talking about. It's one of the quickest ways to feel like you're right. These conversations involved me telling this person how I feel. We all know how that goes. I didn't just share how I felt. I let them have it. I pulled a few unkind words out of my vocabulary and I crafted my sentences in a way that I knew would cut deep. My blood would start pumping and I would start to grab the steering wheel so tight my knuckles would turn white.
The reality is that this is going to happen and probably very often too. We have to be very careful that we don't stay in these oneway conversations for very long. When we feed our ego like that we may actually believe that we know what's best.
Then I had one of those moments. If you had one you know what I'm talking about. I felt a little crazy for getting all worked up over something I can't control. I remembered a scripture verse I read yesterday. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"declares the Lord. Isaiah 55.8. I began to realize that these feelings and thoughts were not coming from a good place. My thoughts were not God's thoughts and my perspective was definitely not God's perspective. They were actually creating a situation that didn't really exist.
I realized that most important thing in our relationship with God is trust. I realized that I have no idea what's going on outside of my own thoughts and my own perceptions. I also remembered an illustration that Jesus shared with a large crowd of people. He told them that if you are at the altar about to give a sacrifice and you remember that you have something against your brother or your brother has something against you. Then you are to drop everything and immediately go and attempt to restore that broken relationship before you can worship God properly.
It's true that I don't understand the motives of this other person. It's true that my first priority as a Christian is to love unconditionally. It's true that its all difficult to understand at times. It's still true that God is calling me to make this decision.
So I don't know what's next but I am going to talk with this person one more time. In the meantime I will offer my thoughts and my perspectives on my life and how it should go to Jesus. I will worship him for what he has done on the cross. Today I will swim in the ocean of his grace.
My prayer,
Jesus, I don't want to be angry with my brother. I don't want to live my life trying to prove that I know what's best. I want to live my life with ruthless trust in your love for me and for this other person. I know you are calling me to do something and I pray that it does not get in the way of my love for this other person and your love for me. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment